All Men Are Idiots, and I Married Their King!
by From the Silent Planet
Summary: Ah...Arwen always knew marriage was filled with many joys....much laughter...But no one ever told her about the snoring...no slash
1. That's Amare!

Ah....So I am delving into the world of Tolkien...Well, I had this all planned out last night in my head, but it was about 11pm at that point and I wasn't sane enough to write anything (that's sad isn't it, but true). Then, after finishing this chapter, I lost the last four pages. After crying for a while, I've re-written them.

LOTR was mine, but then a group of rampaging dwarves stole my copyright and gave it to some guy named Tolkien......oh, yeah, right. Not mine.

Marriage, a wonderful bond between a man and woman. Filled with laughter and happiness, companionship, and joy. At least that was what Arwen had always been told. But two years after marriage, and she is just now discovering all the other joys and sorrows. NO ONE _ever_ told her about the snoring.....

Most things in italics are Arwen's diary entries. Bold indicates Lothiriel's entries.

**All Men Are Idiots, And I Married Their King!**

_That's Aaammarrre!!_

"SNNNOORRKKK!!!....."

Arwen sat quiet for a moment, staring out the window at the dark city of Minas Tirith. Then she went back to writing.

This marks the eighth night in a row. I can see all the guards now, racing around outside fortifying the cities defenses. Oh wait, I can hear them... 

She paused for a moment.

_Yes, yes...they are shouting things like "Mordor is reawakening!" and "The dwarves must be delving up from far under the city to destroy us all in our sleep!" Actually, that is what it sounds like. Fortunately, for everyone but me that is, the lovely earth-shattering sounds are coming not from renegade dwarves, but from the general direction of my sleeping husband and their king. _

"SSSNNOORRRKKK!"

_This night is never going to end. Well, Adar always did warn me about men. But did I listen? No. I wonder if a sock stuffed down his throat will silence him? After all, I am having guests tomorrow the same as he does and I've already lost enough sleep from this...I wonder if the guards would think of that as attempted murder? Well, it might be worth it. Good night._

The next morning dawned bright and early, and the city awoke to the melodious sounds of their beautiful queen screaming at their wonderful king.

"MORDOR COULD HAVE BEEN REAWOKEN, THAT'S HOW LOUD!" She took a deep breath. "You need to go to the healers or something. Or else you can sleep standing up." She put her hands on her hips, signaling that nothing could be said to deter her in this matter. Aragorn stared at her for a moment, nodded absently and went back to his breakfast. Her hands reached up and were inches from wringing his neck when a guard came barreling into the room.

"My Lord! My Lord.... Lady..." The messenger took a deep breath as his king stared at him.

"Well, what is it already?" Elessar looked annoyed at being interrupted during breakfast.

"King Eomer and his bride have arrived! What should be done?" He looked at his king.

"I think that you should invite them all in, but only to the door. There they should be forced to watch the rest of us as we eat. Or perhaps we should let them sit outside till we are finished? What do you think, Gimli?" Legolas stepped out of the shadows, to smile brightly at the dwarf, who climbed into the room from the stairs in the corner, which led to the king's smithies.

Legolas had arrived in Minas Tirith six months previously, and had stayed to help train some of the young soldiers. Aragorn was starting to get letters from an angry Thranduil who was demanding that his son be sent home. Gimli had come to the city as part of a delegation of dwarves from the Lonely Mountain. He had only been in the city for about two weeks, but Aragorn had received a letter from Gloin already begging the king to keep Gimli in Gondor as long as possible, as he and the other dwarves were tired of Gimli's enthusiastic plans for remodeling the Lonely Mountain to look like Moria.

"And why, oh Prince of Mirkwood, do you dislike the King of Rohan?" He smiled at his friend.

Legolas pretended to ponder the question, as he slid into a seat and helped himself to the food spread on the table. "Because, oh King of Gondor, he stole my horse."

Silence reigned across the hall. Stealing a horse was a very serious crime.

"When did he do this?" Elessar asked, looking nervous. It definitely was not going to be a pleasant visit if he had to put his fellow king under arrest.

"Just after the battle of Pelennor fields." Legolas's lips quirked slightly as he looked at the worried faces surrounding him.

"Huh?....oh. Oh, Legolas, that's not stealing. It was his horse anyway that he gave you..." Everyone in the room visibly relaxed, pleased to discover that they would not be declaring war against the Riddermark after all.

"It is too stealing! What do _you_ call it, oh wise king, when you take someone's belongings? He did _give_ me that horse you know!" The entire court was watching in fear, their heads turning back and forth between the elf and the king.

"_Legolas_! He was only letting the horse out to pasture. He wasn't stealing anything, besides horses have to eat!"

"Don't try to convince me. I was still _on _that horse when he slapped it; it took me ten minutes to untangle myself from the stirrups you men insist on putting on those horses, and then I still had to jump off it as it galloped and _then_ I had to walk back to the city. Besides, have you forgotten _the time he_ _tried to shoot Gimli_?" The court gasped in horror, attempted murder was an even _more_ serious crime. The messenger-guard checked the time, wondering if he dared to ask them to get back on topic.

"Legolas, he didn't..." Elessar didn't get much further, and Arwen put her head in her hands.

"He attempted to kill me! I don't remember you denying the event when it happened. That petty horse-lord is a dwarf hater!" Gimli's deep voice nearly settled the issue, and his black eyes swept the hall to see if any dared to contradict him. Aragorn just sat shaking his head.

_And then things got even more ridiculous._

Legolas jumped on the chair, as Aragorn looked up. "Don't you remember, _Estel_?" He asked, calling the king by his childhood name. Legolas pulled himself fully up and pointed at the king, twisting his face to a very Eomer-like expression, and called out. "_I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground_!"

Silence reigned for a moment, and then it was broken by a single person clapping loudly from just inside a widely opened door.

The King of the Riddermark had arrived.

Legolas jumped down from the chair, looking more embarrassed than Arwen had ever seen him.

"Well I am very pleased to see that none of my friends have forgotten me, petty horse-lord though I may be." Eomer said, stepping into the room. Behind him walked a lovely woman, his wife Lothiriel. She smiled at Legolas. She'd heard a great many tales about the companions of the ring-bearer, and she guessed that these were the elf and dwarf who had accompanied him. Many stories still were told, particularly about those that had helped defend Rohan. She knew that her husband wasn't really upset at either the elf or dwarf. He had always spoken warmly about the two, and she could see he really enjoyed the antics of both.

_Honestly, I can't understand how they can all be so childish._

After some greetings and introductions, they sat down to partake of the evening meal. Unfortunately there was much less partaking then there was glaring. Legolas and Gimli were seated on the right side of the table, and Eomer and his wife on the opposite end. Arwen and Aragorn were situated uncomfortably in the middle. Aragorn attempted to apologize for his friends' behavior to Eomer, and Arwen listened to him, having given up a while ago on talking the elf and dwarf into apologizing themselves. Gimli was too stubborn and Legolas was too proud.

_After that uncomfortable meal, the day was spent in casual (and pointless) chitchat and such. It was going very well, till that evening. For some reason, Eomer and Aragorn decided to have a feast. What they were celebrating I know not, perhaps that despite the efforts of Legolas and Gimli their kingdoms were not going to war after all..._

**It must have been the largest dining hall in the whole of Gondor. There were not many people there, just a few guests and the court, but it was still a pleasant until the servers brought out the wine...**

_I still am not certain as to why my husband had the servers put out that wine. I really should have known better, but I thought he was intelligent enough to stop before he became too inebriated. _

Arwen was sitting at a table when she saw Legolas edge soundlessly into the room.

_I haven't seen him all day...I'd better have one of the guards run down to the north field to see if he has destroyed all of the archer's targets yet in embarrassment..._

She waved the other elf over.

"Lady?" He asked softly, and then caught sight of Aragorn.

The king was laughing at something Gimli, who was sitting next to Eomer, had said.

_I should have realized something was wrong then. I mean, as of when did Eomer and Gimli get along?_

"Um, Arwen, what is wrong with them?" He looked at her. She shrugged, just as confused about them as he was.

Legolas reached over for a goblet and took an experimental sip of the contents. Seconds later he had jumped out of his seat and spat the wine back in the cup.

"Arwen, do you know what kind of wine this is?"

She shook her head, eyeing her husband who seemed to be calling for everyone's attention.

"This is the vintage my father sent. He only usually serves it at his own table, but even he wouldn't drink it undiluted!" He looked at her, then back at the table opposite them.

Meanwhile, Aragorn had given a toast to something else. Probably the sixth or seventh time, and he and Eomer always drained their glasses....

She stood up quickly, and began to weave through the crowd to her husband, Legolas following her closely. Aragorn caught sight of them, and walked rather unsteadily over to greet them.

_He was just clapping Legolas's shoulder as his eyes changed._

A look of battle-fury had replaced the smile on Elessar's face. He dropped his hand from Legolas's shoulder, and stepped back slightly, staring intently at his elven friend. Slowly he brought his finger up and pointed it accusingly in Legolas's face. "You are one of THEM." He whispered.

_ And that is how the king of Gondor and Arnor ended up chasing one of his dearest friends around the room with a butter knife, shouting that Legolas was Sauron and 'had to be destroyed.' It is a mark of how faithful his guards are that they were willing to help him, or even go near him when he was behaving that way. Of course there were some guards and guests, including Eomer and Gimli, who just watched the whole thing laughing as Legolas jumped onto a table, then to the open rafters overhead to hide from Aragorn. It took me ten minutes to calm the guards and sit Aragorn down where he couldn't hurt anyone. I think Legolas might still be on the ceiling. Of course, my husband was just the opening act..._

** I am so angry it is hard to write. I need to apologize to Arwen for Eomer's behavior. Of course, the poor elf on the ceiling was her husband's fault, but that doesn't mean mine wasn't to blame for a great deal of tonight's events, I heard him challenging the Gondorian king to a drinking match. I need to ask Arwen how she controls her husband's guards so well...but back to the night's events.**

During the feast a quartet of musicians had been playing, but they had retired for a while. Gimli saw the blank stage as a call to astound the audience. Batting away the instruments that he felt were 'fussy and elf-like,' he started to sing in a deep voice.

_ And I tell you diary, there is nothing like hearing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow...' sung by a dwarf, and a drunk one at that. It took four men twenty minutes to get him off the stage, and by the time they drug him to a corner of the room, he was asleep. I think they left him there._

**But of course, my husband just had to out-do his friends. And so happened the last event of the night...**

Now, he was not one to mince words, but she had to be the most elegant, gorgeous woman he had ever seen. From her hair all tied up in a bun, to the way she looked nervously at every one around the room. Eomer shifted in his seat, then stood up abruptly and walked unsteadily over to the chair of one of the other guests.

** The poor lady looked scared to death.**

She was even more beautiful up close. The only thing Eomer couldn't understand was why everyone was looking at him so oddly. Ignoring them, he picked up her hand and thought for a moment. How should he go about impressing her?

** That's right diary, my husband sat on the floor in front of the oldest lady in the Gondorian court. In fact, I do not believe she was actually part of the court, I think she was actually someone's great grandmother who had always wanted to meet her king. I'll have to remember to visit her and apologize for Eomer. Or I'll make him go and apologize himself...**

_ Two husbands are definitely going to require torturing tomorrow. I wonder if Legolas and Lothiriel will help me? I'll have to see in the morning._

Lothiriel sat for a moment staring at her diary. She ran her hand over the cover, the blue silky material that had been embroidered with stars and trees to remind her of her homeland. Sighing, she flipped her long brown hair up into a loose bun for sleep, and made one last entry in her book.

** Eomer. Is. Going. To. Die. **

Eomer had finally decided on a song, and he pulled her hand up to his heart. And he began to sing. "_When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie That's Aaammarre!!!" _

Okay, if you want more than you need to review. Thanks!


	2. Phases of a Plan

Hey! I know its been a while, sorry. Anyway, when I suddenly realized that people actually liked this story, it came with the realization that I had no idea where I was going to go with it. So this direction is basically the one that stuck in my mind and it's the one I am going to go with.  
  
_When Plans Come in Phases, You Know You're In Over Your Head

* * *

I've been awake for the past several hours, perfecting my plan. I was woken from a peaceful sleep when it hit me...Now I only need to convince Legolas and Lothiriel to aid me, persuade the court to play along, and fool the entire populace of the kingdoms of men to keep them from rallying to aid their kings...It will be no trouble at all.  
_  
She closed the journal, eyes lingering on the elvish symbols that had been embossed onto the cover, and the tea stains Elrohir had dribbled there one morning while trying to read over her shoulder. She'd shouted at him for quite a bit about that. He would have loved to help her with this plan. Hopefully Legolas would be as receptive as her mischievous brothers would have been.  
  
Smiling quietly, she stood up and paced softly to her snoring husband. He was drooling slightly. Laughing faintly, she kissed his head, knowing that the next time she would see him he would probably behave even less 'charmingly'. A swish of long skirts, and she was out the door and off to convince Legolas of her plan.  
  
_Of course, I somehow forgot that it was in the five o'clock hour, and when he finally answered the door he was not the kindest nor most receptive of elves.  
_  
"Arrwwenn...." said Legolas, splashing his face with water. If Arwen had made up her mind to keep him up, there wasn't much chance of him sleeping again. "Couldn't this have waited for later?"  
  
_ You know an elf is unhappy with you when he throws all protocol out the window. I will remember for future reference that Legolas whined at me.  
_  
"Greenleaf." She said patiently, "It is a good plan. It is almost foolproof, but it _does_ require your help. Do you want to see Estel get away with last night?" She pleaded softly. She had realized long ago that Mordor itself couldn't move her stubborn friend if he so chose.  
  
"Don't call me Greenleaf, _Evenstar_. I think we should just shoot them and be done with it. Then you and Lothiriel could rule. And it isn't as if Gimli would be terribly missed by his people."  
  
"That would agree with me as well, if it were not for the questions that may arise from the populace if their kings were to suddenly morph into queens." Arwen bit her lip, eyes sparkling with mischief as she approached the elf. "Oh Legolas, _please_?"  
  
_ I was born to persuade elves to mischief. It was my life calling. Too bad I missed it, and now I have only revenge against immature husbands. But it will be a good revenge.  
_  
** A guard woke me up from a good dream just now. There were horses, soldiers, and I think Legolas and Arwen may have been there as well. Then my gaze chanced downwards. And under the horses, being trampled by hooves, was my husband. He didn't seem to be terribly hurt, so I just stood by and watched. Unfortunately, my albeit rather treacherous dreams were interrupted by a soft tapping against the door. Apparently the queen has asked for my presence. I'm off now.  
**  
_Finally we were all present. Legolas' rooms have been turned into headquarters. Legolas himself was seated at a small table, and when Lothiriel came she sat down across from him. She is far more impressed with my plan than jaded Legolas. He's known the twins, Estel and his own siblings too long. But anyway, Phase One is complete.  
_  
_We began to discuss the next phases of 'The Plan'.  
_  
"WAIT JUST A MINUTE..."  
  
_Well, discussion was subjected to elven temper-tantrums. In the end, there was more screaming than there was 'discussion'.  
_  
"Now Legolas, what part of this did you not understand?" asked Arwen, glaring sweetly at the elf.  
  
"EVERYTHING EVIDENTLY!" Lothiriel stared at the elf. This was a side she hadn't seen. He was standing up glaring at Arwen, his hair sticking every way from the tangled knot he'd put it in after his rude awakening. His hands were on his hips and he looked angry enough to burst.  
  
"When I agreed to this madness it was not on those terms." He said.  
  
"Well _Las_," She began, purposely using his childhood name as an attempt to warn him how irritating he was becoming "I did tell you that your involvement would be instrumental to the success of—"  
  
"NO! No, you said it 'required my help,' not that it centered on my help!" He was starting to shake slightly, never a good sign in Lothiriel's opinion.  
  
"Well Las, I refute my previous statement in favor of 'you are instrumental to this plan'. Are you satisfied?"  
  
He seemed eager to continue the argument, but at a loss of what to say. Finally he sat down in a huff and glared behind loose blonde hairs.  
  
"Alright, now that we are all 'on the same page', so to speak, I think phase two is due to begin." With a smile, Arwen walked over to the door, and after opening it motioned for a guard.  
  
A nervous young man approached, bowing slightly at his queen.  
  
"Thank you. Now, I need you to give this exact message to the people. 'The king will remain with his family today and all appointments are canceled unless life-threatening'. Do you understand?" She smiled down at him.  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Good. Now tell the temporary Steward to come see me in a while, ok? He isn't to come to the king but to me."  
  
"Y...Yes, M...M'Lady." He stammered, and fairly ran out the door.  
  
_And so Phase Two was ended as it began._  
  
After a few more minutes of 'discussion', Lothiriel left to fulfill her part of Phase Three. Arwen glided quietly over to a disgruntled looking elf.  
  
"Arwen, I'm not going to end up loosing my head over this am I? I mean, I'm not all that insulted, Aragorn was drunk after all..."  
  
"Legolas! It's not about honor, it is about prevention. We can't have the idiots thinking they can get drunk any old day can we?" She smiled at him, before planning out the next Phases of her plan.  
  
I know that this wasn't very long, and I'm sorry, but it is better than nothing, right? _Feels she may be too optimistic_. Please review, ok?  
  
Reviews!  
  
"Humph! Why do I have to do this again?" asked a distraught dwarf.  
  
_Because Gimli, you are in my fanfiction and therefore at my mercy. Now answer the nice reviews please.  
_  
"Argh...the elf escaped this...alright! Alright..." Searched through his notes.  
  
"You are here with me, Gimli son of Gloin, the temporary host of Silent Planet News Network. All Silent Planet, all the time! Now is the review section of our programming..." Threw old notes behind him in favor of new, then he pulled out and lit his pipe.  
  
"First of all, to Erestor, 'THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!' That was a little note from the author. She is very pleased that you like the story and hopes you liked this one as well. Next, to justso, thank you as well!! The author will agree now to stop using exclamation marks now before I set a temperamental elf on her...."  
  
_Okay, okay, I know when I'm defeated. Just to let everyone know, when I say thank you please pretend it has a thousand exclamation marks after it and comes with a cookie._  
  
"And now to ESM, who also seems to like this story." Gimli the newscaster stops for a moment. "Can we get Pointy-ear to do this already?"  
  
_Maybe next time Gimli. He would be more pleasant anyway, and he wouldn't be contaminating the station with his pipe's smoke either._  
  
"It isn't contamination, it's entertainment." He blows a smoke ring for effect.  
  
_Gandalf does smoke boats. Beat that._  
  
"Humph.... and back to ESM, the author says thank you very much, and she is very happy that you liked it so much, and also that she's not sure if it's amare or amore..."  
  
_I used amare because I take Latin and that is how they would have used it, 'amare', in Latin, means 'to love'. But I don't know about the song, sorry._  
  
"And next to, oh...this one...."  
  
_Heeheehee. Thank you very much lotr freak. I find them funny too, but obviously Gimli doesn't...  
_  
"Yeah, well....You'd better watch your back young missy!"  
  
_Oh, I'm quivering with fear Gimli. Yeah right._  
  
"Thank you to Athena Diagon Cat. Here you are!" Glares at triumphant author, as she has taken his pipe away.  
  
"And to Uineniel, thank you very, very much."  
  
_I'm so glad you liked it!_  
  
"And thank you to fairbird. I hope you are just talking about edan, and not dwarves..."  
  
_Thats enough Gimli. Eomer and Aragorn are particularly silly, aren't they....hum, I wonder where Faramir is..._  
  
"And lastly (but not leastly!) to daughter of sunlight; well, thank you! We are glad you liked it."  
  
_See you guys soon!_


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